new years

The truth is..there are so many moments when I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. Heh. How is that for a dramatic opening. Ok so, this may be bordering on the personal level. I guess it’s pretty hard to keep everything so neutral..eventually your writing does tend to reveal something a little more intimate. So, here goes. To a year of more attempted honesty, especially to myself..

I just go through a lot of self-doubt. Often. Maybe everyone does, but they just don’t admit it. I have a bad habit of looking at others and inferring that they are much happier or much more secure with their past choices and their future prospects. They don’t wonder as much as I do, they don’t begrudge themselves for things out of their control. I want to be able to actually make real new years resolutions that matter this year. I can always say I will stop biting my nails and do a better job at exercising and eating well..but those are always my pseudo resolutions. They don’t stretch beyond the surface.

I am so tired of doubting where I have ended up. I want to believe that things have a way of working themselves out and that all things have happened for a reason or that one day the fogginess will be lifted and each turn I made so far will make crystal clear sense.…I want to believe all that. But, I seem to end up in a doldrum zone where nothing feels right..times when I doubt all my choices..the college I went to..the classes I chose…living back in my home town..going to a graduate school so close..past relationships and the outcomes..The truth is..there are no positives of constantly re-evaluating the past..rethinking decisions that were clearly made for a reason..this is only destructive behavior.

The key is to accept. I can stop biting my nails at any moment. I can go running when I choose. But, I can’t change the past. I can’t relive another time in my life. And I can’t prevent the sun from rising tomorrow and the next day and the day after that.

It isn’t easy to accept. But, it sure is worth a shot.

So, every new year must at least start with one resolution. So, I want to make this one count. Here's to a year of more tests of will and emotional growth. A new year to live in the present and not always fall captive to memories in the past or an urgency to plan forward. A new year of experience, friendship and love. A new year for a renewal. I’m ready.