I don't want to grow up

Yup. Growing up is hard to do. It's really painful actually. Over the past couple months, I have gotten turned down from jobs I really wanted, been given the cold shoulder by people I thought really wanted to be in my life and found myself curled up in the aisles of various Barnes and Noble glued to the self help sections...and the worst part is that I have watched countless other close friends go through the same exact thing. College doesn't prepare you for the rest of your life. If anything, it's a nice little break from time..I remember showing up to my first semester dormitory (oh, why does Dickinson Hall E still reside in my unforsaken memory) and seeing the dry erase boards on everyone's door and I felt like I was in pre-school again..how cute, how quaint..how totally unrealistic..there you are amidst thousands of people your age, clamping your ears during the wee hour booming base thumping through the halls, taking classes in just about anything you want...office hours, theme parties, all nighters, apartment decorating, away messages..Ok, so of course there is studying and stress and projects and crisises...but it is all taking place in this sheltered college life..within the walls of the university. So, life after college...not so easy to adjust to..where did all the friends go that I would see every week at our club meetings? Why can't I walk across campus to hang out with friends my age? Where is my PDI, my college advisor? Why are there no rules after you leave? This is supposed to be the big step..leaving the sheltered campus of hard-earned knowledge and landing your indivual place in the real world.

Almost two years after graduating, I still feel as though I have not landed..landed? I am still circling the run way..Still waiting for that "ah ha" moment when I finally see the path I have spent my life looking for..when the roads converge and the future makes some semblance of sense..Does this ever happen? Will there be that moment in the future? Will it be when I get my first real job..or when I walk down the aisle or when I buy an apartment? I have no idea. My mom is right. She said that the twenties are turbulent. The turbulent twenties.

So, rather than indiviually hitting our heads against a wall, we should all share our frustrations, our fears, our pessimism and gripe together. It's much more productive that way. I think. And hey..maybe if we make it through our twenties, our thirties won't be so bad. ugh. 30. I don't want to be 30.